How to talk to a trans person
i have noticed that many men on here have posted some very rude or ignorant things about trans people, especially trans women. i tend to give people the benefit of the doubt about these things as i imagine that most are not trying to be hurtful, but simply don't know or understand the perspective of a trans person, which is very understandable. so here is a short and simple primer on trans people and language choices to help any of you who may be unaware to have better relationships and understanding with any trans people you may meet. hey, it might even give you a better chance of getting laid! ;)
first of all, it is important to note that, like everyone else, all trans people are different, and what is offensive to one person may be perfectly acceptable to another. these guidelines are meant to be just that; not gospel written in stone, but ideas that will help serve as a guide in navigating a world that may be unfamiliar to you.
because there are as many individual preferences for language choices as there are ways of expressing one's gender, it is always helpful to kindly ask a person what language choices they prefer. most people will appreciate your consideration and will not take offense to this question, if it is asked politely. it is also important to know that, as with the "n word" for african american folks, just because someone within the community may use it among themselves and friends, they may not welcome it being used by an outsider without first having the discussion about language choices.
let's start with the basics. first of all, it is important to know the difference between sexuality and gender identity. sexuality is the people and acts which are sexually exciting to you. gender identity is whether you internally feel like a male, female, or something that isn't quite one of those two. most people's gender identities will pretty closely match the bodies they are born with, but for plenty of others, they may not quite match up. in these cases, you may have someone who partially or entirely identifies as another gender, whether they simply enjoy expressing various facets of different genders (for example, a male person who may like wearing "girly things" but who for the most part still feels comfortable as a man), or they may identify mostly or entirely as another gender.
for those of you wholly unfamiliar with trans people, a male-to-female (MTF) trans person is someone who was born with male anatomy but who identifies internally as female. a person may refer to herself as MTF whether or not she has used hormones or had surgery. "transwoman" is usually considered a non-offensive term for MTF trans people. a female-to-male (FTM) trans person is someone who was born with female anatomy but who identifies internally as male. a person may refer to himself as FTM whether or not he has used hormones or had surgery. "transman" is usually considered a non-offensive term for FTM trans people.
as far as pronouns (he/she, his/her, etc.) go, it is generally best to use the pronouns that match the person's presentation. if you are not sure, most people will not be upset if you politely ask which they prefer. some people prefer non-gendered pronouns, such as "they" or "zie". this is less common, but something you may encounter and should be open to. NEVER refer to someone as "it". what a hateful thing to say!
as umbrella terms to describe people whose sex organs and genders do not wholly match in the socially expected ways, many people will use the words "transgender" or "gender queer" or "gender variant" or "gender non-conforming", or any of a number of other terms. these terms generally embrace a variety of identities and their expressions.
"transsexual" is a word used by many in the trans community to describe someone who has made permanent changes to their body through surgery, hormones, or both, or simply someone who lives full-time as the gender they most closely identify with. however, it is also not uncommon for people to be uncomfortable with this word due to how it has been sensationalized in trashy talk shows and porn sites. therefore, as mentioned, and as with all of these terms, it is preferable to ask on a person-by-person case.
"transvestite" is, these days, generally considered an offensive word. it typically means someone who does not identify as a woman, but who derives a sexual thrill from dressing in women's clothing. i don't recommend using this word unless you have been told that it is preferred.
"crossdresser" or "CD" is usually used to mean someone who enjoys dressing in women's clothes and/or living part-time as a woman. this may be strictly for sexual gratification, or it may be for emotional gratification, or both. again, this all depends on the person.
other things to avoid when talking to trans people are:
"you fooled me!": many people say this in a well meaning way, meaning that they had no idea that the person they are talking to is trans because they pass so well. however, this implies that trans person is attempting to "put one over" on people or "trick" them by being trans, which is not the case. the trans person is only trying to have a body which matches his or her internal identity.
"so are you all man/woman", "have you gone "all the way", "have you had the surgery", etc.: these are very personal questions, and potentially offensive or hurtful depending on the phrasing. just like with any other human beings and personal issues, you should always politely ask if you can take the conversation to such a personal level before moving forward.
"why did you become a man/woman if you want to date men/women?" this is a question often asked of trans people who prefer their own gender for dating (such as a transwoman who is attracted to women). again, gender and sexuality are two distinct things.
it is important to remember that trans people are not just fetish objects. they are human beings who have feelings, hopes, dreams, needs, and wants just like you, and many times have had to deal with a great deal of hurt and hatefulness already. if you would like to have a successful relationship with a trans person, the most important thing is to be kind and respectful. most of us will understand if you make a mistake in your wording or if you are unfamiliar with us, and will be very patient as long as you treat us with kindness.
i hope this is helpful to those of you out there who are new to interacting with trans people or who find the many language choices confusing. please feel free to message me if you have questions about interacting respectfully with trans people, i am always happy to answer respectful questions.
cheers!
first of all, it is important to note that, like everyone else, all trans people are different, and what is offensive to one person may be perfectly acceptable to another. these guidelines are meant to be just that; not gospel written in stone, but ideas that will help serve as a guide in navigating a world that may be unfamiliar to you.
because there are as many individual preferences for language choices as there are ways of expressing one's gender, it is always helpful to kindly ask a person what language choices they prefer. most people will appreciate your consideration and will not take offense to this question, if it is asked politely. it is also important to know that, as with the "n word" for african american folks, just because someone within the community may use it among themselves and friends, they may not welcome it being used by an outsider without first having the discussion about language choices.
let's start with the basics. first of all, it is important to know the difference between sexuality and gender identity. sexuality is the people and acts which are sexually exciting to you. gender identity is whether you internally feel like a male, female, or something that isn't quite one of those two. most people's gender identities will pretty closely match the bodies they are born with, but for plenty of others, they may not quite match up. in these cases, you may have someone who partially or entirely identifies as another gender, whether they simply enjoy expressing various facets of different genders (for example, a male person who may like wearing "girly things" but who for the most part still feels comfortable as a man), or they may identify mostly or entirely as another gender.
for those of you wholly unfamiliar with trans people, a male-to-female (MTF) trans person is someone who was born with male anatomy but who identifies internally as female. a person may refer to herself as MTF whether or not she has used hormones or had surgery. "transwoman" is usually considered a non-offensive term for MTF trans people. a female-to-male (FTM) trans person is someone who was born with female anatomy but who identifies internally as male. a person may refer to himself as FTM whether or not he has used hormones or had surgery. "transman" is usually considered a non-offensive term for FTM trans people.
as far as pronouns (he/she, his/her, etc.) go, it is generally best to use the pronouns that match the person's presentation. if you are not sure, most people will not be upset if you politely ask which they prefer. some people prefer non-gendered pronouns, such as "they" or "zie". this is less common, but something you may encounter and should be open to. NEVER refer to someone as "it". what a hateful thing to say!
as umbrella terms to describe people whose sex organs and genders do not wholly match in the socially expected ways, many people will use the words "transgender" or "gender queer" or "gender variant" or "gender non-conforming", or any of a number of other terms. these terms generally embrace a variety of identities and their expressions.
"transsexual" is a word used by many in the trans community to describe someone who has made permanent changes to their body through surgery, hormones, or both, or simply someone who lives full-time as the gender they most closely identify with. however, it is also not uncommon for people to be uncomfortable with this word due to how it has been sensationalized in trashy talk shows and porn sites. therefore, as mentioned, and as with all of these terms, it is preferable to ask on a person-by-person case.
"transvestite" is, these days, generally considered an offensive word. it typically means someone who does not identify as a woman, but who derives a sexual thrill from dressing in women's clothing. i don't recommend using this word unless you have been told that it is preferred.
"crossdresser" or "CD" is usually used to mean someone who enjoys dressing in women's clothes and/or living part-time as a woman. this may be strictly for sexual gratification, or it may be for emotional gratification, or both. again, this all depends on the person.
other things to avoid when talking to trans people are:
"you fooled me!": many people say this in a well meaning way, meaning that they had no idea that the person they are talking to is trans because they pass so well. however, this implies that trans person is attempting to "put one over" on people or "trick" them by being trans, which is not the case. the trans person is only trying to have a body which matches his or her internal identity.
"so are you all man/woman", "have you gone "all the way", "have you had the surgery", etc.: these are very personal questions, and potentially offensive or hurtful depending on the phrasing. just like with any other human beings and personal issues, you should always politely ask if you can take the conversation to such a personal level before moving forward.
"why did you become a man/woman if you want to date men/women?" this is a question often asked of trans people who prefer their own gender for dating (such as a transwoman who is attracted to women). again, gender and sexuality are two distinct things.
it is important to remember that trans people are not just fetish objects. they are human beings who have feelings, hopes, dreams, needs, and wants just like you, and many times have had to deal with a great deal of hurt and hatefulness already. if you would like to have a successful relationship with a trans person, the most important thing is to be kind and respectful. most of us will understand if you make a mistake in your wording or if you are unfamiliar with us, and will be very patient as long as you treat us with kindness.
i hope this is helpful to those of you out there who are new to interacting with trans people or who find the many language choices confusing. please feel free to message me if you have questions about interacting respectfully with trans people, i am always happy to answer respectful questions.
cheers!
il y a 11 ans
Guy